Humour

REAL NASHVILLE 911 CALL!
DISPATCHER: 911 What is your emergency?
CALLER: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
DISPATCHER: Do you have an address?
CALLER: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Heard on a West Jet Airplane Flight:
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.
If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

On a Tombstone in a London, England Cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

The Ladies Room:

Having your own bathroom in your own RV is great and I’ll tell you why!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom. (Rest. . .??? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

By All Women of the World!

HUMOUR?
One tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor!

Actual Court Humour:
Attorney:
Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness:
Did you actually pass the bar exam sir?

FRIENDSHIP
A friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked!

IT PAYS TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX !
We went out to breakfast at a restaurant where the “Seniors’ Special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you $2.49 because you’re ordering a-la-carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously.
“YES!!” stated the waitress.
“I’ll take the special then,” my wife said.
“How do you want your eggs?” the waitress asked.
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!  We’ve been around the block more than Once.

COMMENTS MADE IN 1955 :
“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it!”

OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE:
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect!

PONDERS:
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where do Forest Rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages
Would a fly without wings be called a ‘walk’?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Children’s Comments on the Sea:
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
~ Christopher, age 7

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow,
the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.
My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.

PENNY MEDICINE

Is it true that putting a penny on a bee sting, for 15 minutes, will take away the sting and the swelling?

It is the latest rumour of the day!

NOTICING

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

~ Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

~ George Carlin

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

Out of the Mouth of Babes:

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.,”

A third child brought the argument to a close.

“They use the dogs to find the fire hydrants”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchensink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied,“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Ed was in trouble. . .

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new

bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

It’s all in How You Look at Things!

Woman awoke to find she had only three hairs left on her head.

“Oh good, today I’m going to braid my hair,” she said.

Next day she awoke to find she had only two hairs left on her head.

“Oh good, today I’m going to part my hair down the middle,” she said.

Next day she awoke to find she had only one hair left on her head.

“Oh good, today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail,” she said.

Next day she awoke to find she had no hair left on her head.

“Oh good, today I don’t have to worry about doing my hair,” she said.

Men Do Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She sees him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues “Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’

“I remember that too,” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,

“I would have gotten out today.”

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

If you are not over 50 yet, this is what you have to look forward to:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you up?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

A FEW OF THE THINGS CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF:

• Smarties
• Crispy Crunch
• Coffee Crisp
• Baseball is Canadian
• Lacrosse is Canadian
• Hockey is Canadian
• Basketball is Canadian
• Apple pie is Canadian
• Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
• We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere, EVER.
• Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.
• The Hudson’s Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface and is still around as the world’s oldest company.
• We invented skidoos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, Zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
• A Canadian invented Superman.
• We have coloured money.
• The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
• Our elections only take one day.

Quotes:

Money can’t buy you happiness, but is does bring you a more pleasant form of misery!

- - - Spike Milligan

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

- - - Herbert Henry Asquith

The Cardiologist’s Diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!

The Way Children See Things:

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age,

particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

GREAT HINTS:

Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

Things worth thinking about?

Can you cry under water?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Pre-Travel Check List by Bill and Gloria McKinnon

• Awning Up and LOCKED

• TV antenna down & stored

• Water hose IN

• Electrical cord IN

• Sewer hose IN

• Propane OFF

• Refrigerator OFF

• Water pump OFF

• Vents CLOSED

• Chairs, welcome mat STORED

• Chocks out and STORED

• Leveling blocks STORED

• TV tied down

• Step UP

• False Teeth holder EMPTIED!

? HEALTH ?

QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?

Hay and corn; and what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient means of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain – Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride”!

SENIOR QUOTES:

What would men be without women?

Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. – Mark Twain

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

– Winston Churchill

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

Children say:

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him,

”How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

”How do you know that?”

”4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”.

BUMPER STICKER:

DON’T BELIEVE

EVERYTHING YOU

THINK !

Ain’t it GREAT to be Alive?

You have to stay in shape.

My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is.

. . . Ellen DeGeneres

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make it wait for three hours!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A hot cross bunny.

Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
Because he was eggo-centric!

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming?
A hare-net.

How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
Hoppy Easter

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has four rabbits’ feet!

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

She Kept Her Promise

By Muriel Mick

There was a man who worked hard all his life and saved all his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money; he loved his money more than anything. Just before he died he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When the ceremony was over, just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute.” She had a shoebox with her and she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. The undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you were not crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

She replied, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian and I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put all that money in with him and I did.”

“You mean to say you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it in my account and I wrote him a cheque.”

The GOOD OLD DAYS

From Gordo of the Shuswap

My Mom or Grandma used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning. They used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting Ecoli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. The term cell-phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids!

I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then.

Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played ‘king of the hill’ on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn’t sting like Iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either, because if we did, we got our butt spanked here too and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall a kid from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T —

SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN’T TRADE

Reasons it’s great to be a guy:

Everything on your face

stays its original colour.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

One mood, all the time.

A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife got up, unplugged the TV

and threw out all of his beer.

REALLY???

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being over the hill is much better than being under it!

A hangover is the wrath of grapes!

Miserable Couple:

A couple hadn’t been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,

“I’ll buy my wife a cemetary plot for her birthday.”

You can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and

he doesn’t get her anything.

She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?”

He says, “Why should I? You didn’t use what I got you last year.

The Challenge of Speaking English:

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

The bandage was wound around a wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that is had to refuse more refuse.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

Beautiful Women

AGE 3:

She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

AGE 8:

She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

AGE 15:

She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)

AGE 20:

She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.

AGE 30:

She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” - but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she’s going out anyway.

AGE 40:

She looks at herself and sees “clean” and goes out anyway.

AGE50:

She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

AGE 60:

She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

AGE 70:

She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

AGE 80:

Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Grandma’s Apron – Author unknown

This is precious. Do the kids of today know what an apron IS?

The principle use of Grandma’s apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven, it was wonderful for drying children’s tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken-coup the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

How to know you’re growing older:

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.

Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

Ain’t it Great to be Alive?

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry!

JOKES?

• Why did the Easter egg hide? - - - He was a little chicken!
• What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? - - - Cheer up!
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!
• Death is heredity.

DID YOU KNOW?

• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors .
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD:

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• Pasteurize: Too far to see.
• Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
• Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
• Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
• A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Taken with permission from Everyday Wisdom by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Harmony gets inside you through your thinking. The ancestor of all action is a thought.

Rule of Chocolate:

Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less!

For a Man to Impress a Woman:

• Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her.
• Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her.
• Cuddle with her. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her.
• Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

For a Woman to Impress a Man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don’t block the TV.

One Liners:

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Incontinence Hotline: . . . Can you hold, please?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Get Ready to Laugh?

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

Why are there so many Smith’s in the phonebook? They all have phones.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on SUICIDE. The librarian says, “I don’t think so mister! Chances are you won’t bring it back!”

ASK THE CHILDREN:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You GOT to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

More One Liners

Why do bagpipers WALK when they play?

They’re trying to get away from the noise!

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones!

14 THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.

FINAL Thoughts for the Day:

Original Hollywood Squares:

Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A: “That’s what’s been keeping me awake,” Don Knotts said.

Stupid Laws:

In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death.

In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

In California, women may not drive in a housecoat.

Handy Non-Cleaning Tip?

DIRT: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and ageing rays from the sun. Call it a SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone!

Nonsense:

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.” Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone else with a job that is worse than yours! Live well and laugh often!

REALLY?

In CALIFORNIA, it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

In NEW JERSEY’s Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

In VIRGINIA, flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

In TEXAS, it is illegal to have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

HUMOUR?

What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

BUMPER STICKERS:

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship

LIFE’s LITTLE RULES:

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Some days you are a bug, some days you’re the windshield.

The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you are going to follow your bliss and make a difference in the world, you will soon learn that you cannot follow the herd.

Tell me what you are for, and I will show you what is going to expand in a positive way.

Tell me what you are against, and I will show you what is going to expand in a destructive way.

Taken with permission from the book Everyday Wisdom by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Acting as if you were already what you want to become and knowing that you can become it is the way to remove self-doubt and enter your real-magic kingdom.

Forgiveness is the ability to give love away in the most difficult of circumstances.

Giving is the key to forgiving.

Taken with permission from the book Everyday Wisdom by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

How to know you’re growing older:

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there!

Your back goes out more than you do.

You are startled the first time someone calls you old-timer.

Miracles can only happen when you get rid of the concept of “impossible” and allow yourself to experience the magic of knowing.

from Everyday Wisdom by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

You become what you think about.

Everyday Wisdom by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Being bored is a choice. There is no such thing as boredom in the world.

Everyday Wisdom by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Common Nonsense

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

The Check-Up

Eighty-year old Ole went for his annual physical and all of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Jensen said, “Ole, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?”

Ole replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on, when I’m done *poof*, the light goes off.”

“Uff da!” commented Dr. Jensen, “That’s incredible!”

A little later in the day, Dr. Jensen called Ole’s wife.

“Lena,” he said, “Ole is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof*, the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof*, the light goes off?”

Lena exclaimed, “Oh no! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Silly Signs:

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chichago: "Do not activate with wet hands."

On a established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: "Blackened bluefish."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In a Tacoma WA men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 They won't last an hour!"

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

Wisdom

Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.

NEW THOUGHT?

Creating money is just like creating anything else in your life. It involves not being attached to it, and not giving it
power over your life in any way.

From Everyday Wisdom by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Beware the Welcome Mut

Found on a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

Famous Quotes:

"I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:

“No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall”.

(Eleanor Roosevelt)

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible."

(George Burns)

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year."

(Victor Borge)

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

(Mark Twain)

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."

(Mark Twain)

FALLEN?

An old Minister got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word “fallen”.

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen”. This satisfied the old Minister and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old Minister passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young Minister settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The Minister was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new Minister.

But before the Mayor could explain, the Minister shook his finger at the Mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing Mayor; your own wife fell three times last week!

The Destruction of Sam’s RV
By Marsha Spink

There are cruel things done in the midday sun
To the men who drive RVs.
The Yukon trails can tell such tales
As would bring grown men to their knees.

The lofty heights have seen mean sights,
But the worst they ever did see
Was along the Alaska Highway,
Near milepost ten sixty-three.

Now Sam McPhee was from Hope BC,
Where the mighty Fraser flows,
Why he steered his rig t’wards Alaska
Only the good Lord knows.

Perhaps ‘twas the lure of glaciers,
Or fishing in Kenai,
Or seeing Mount McKinley
Against a clear blue sky.

Certainly not the US dollar,
Or mosquitoes as big as your thumb,
And to drive all that way to see Chicken
Would really be pretty dumb.

Sam equipped his rig with new tires,
Protected the grill with a screen,
And purchased a canvas car shield,
To keep the tow car clean.

Mary McPhee packed carefully –
Fresh foods, boxed, and canned,
Toiletries and linen,
And The Milepost close at hand.

But Sam knew he was in trouble
When a survivor of The Road
Laughed and said, “You’ll love it!
Especially if it’s snowed!”

The signs warn, “Dusty Conditions”,
But they don’t say to beware
Of flying rocks and gravel,
From drivers who don’t take care.

In rain the dusty conditions
Turn to a river of slime,
Where RVs slide, get stuck in the ruts
And covered with dun-coloured grime.

“Rough Road” means washboard surface,
Or potholes by the score,
Or frost heaves where you hit bottom,
Or waits of an hour or more.

Sam had to replace a bearing,
An axle, and set of shocks,
A spring and two flat tires,
And a windshield shattered by rocks.

There are cruel things done in the Yukon sun
To men who drive RVs,
And the next time Sam does Alaska
Will be on the Star of the Seas.

Actually we had a wonderful trip and, thanks to my husband’s careful manoeuvring along the stretches of bad road, our ‘96 Yellowstone escaped unscathed. It can be done!

I Wonder

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why sheep don't shrink in the rain?

News of the Day

• Beer conditions the hair.
• Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish.
• Mayonnaise will kill lice, as well as condition your hair.
• Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it.

CUTE SIGNS

On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels
On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

Oh To Be Six Again!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.

“I'd love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!” she uttered in amazement.

Honest Onomatopoeia

A silly gal goes to a fast food restaurant for a cup of coffee. While sipping it, she looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off game piece. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I won! I won! I won a motorhome! I won a motorhome!"

A waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible, the biggest prize given away was a minivan!"

The silly gal replies, "No, I won a motorhome! I won a motorhome!"

Next, the manager makes his way over to the table and explains, "You couldn't possibly have won a motorhome, because we didn't offer that as a prize!"

Again the silly gal says, "No, no mistake, I won a motorhome! I won a motorhome!"

With that, she hands the prize ticket to the manager to read for himself. Sure enough, the ticket reads, "WIN A BAGEL!"

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. You need all the preservatives you can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
5. You're really getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
6. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but no one bothers to ask you the questions.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Things to Learn

• Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, a lone amateur built the Ark, a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
• Your friends love you anyway.
• The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
Love, not time, heals all wounds.

Great Truths about Growing Old:

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get!

The Mechanic & The Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ‘em, put ‘em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running!”

Sixth Grade Research:

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

FOUND IN OTHER NEWSPAPERS:

1 man, 7 woman hot tub - $850/offer
Snow blower for sale - only used on snowy days.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.

WHO WE ARE

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”

Hands started going up. He said, “I’m going to give this $20 to one of you, but first, let me do this.”

He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up.
He then asked, “Who still wants it?”

Still the hands were up in the air.

“ Well,” he replied, “what if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled, and dirty.

“ Now who still wants it?”

Still the hands went into the air.

“ My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.”

You are special - Don’t EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

Rosalia's Hill
by D.K. McRae

The Santa Rosalia hill
Has taunted men and always will,
Chasm, cliff and deep abyss
Blindly traced by hairpin curve
To test the driver's dwindling nerve.

Thinking of that awesome slope
May un-man some and kill all hope
But there it stays 'twixt you and home
A monument to all who dare
To sample Baja's wondrous fare.

There's a semi wrecked on every bend,
Grades are steep enough to send
Tremors down the straightest spine.
If I had a wife she'd need a pill
Before sarting up old Rosie's hill.

It's not that it's impossible
To pass by there what e'er you pull
Many do it every week,
But there are those of whom it's said
Will die upon that frightful grade.

And Dodge, and Ford, and Chevrolet
All pass the test one day
And prove their metal or they fail.
And we may yet our own blood spill
On the Santa Rosalia hill.

The Cortex Sea below, behind
Ahead the desert and the wind
And home so distant to the north,
But it will always be a thrill
To top Rosalia's daunting hill.

Those who've climbed to Baja's roof
Can claim manhood without more proof
And head home until the fall
When heading south without a frown
Are at the top and must go down.

Near Death Experience:

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?” God replies, “Sorry, I didn't recognize you.”

Day at the Asylum !

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Medical Director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,

as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “

Mary, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.

I'm so sorry, but he's dead.”

Mary replied,

“He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry!"

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Woman

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?”

And the Lord answered, “Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and have two pairs of hands.”

The angel was astounded at the requirements. “Two pairs of hands! No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.”

But I can't,” the Lord protested. “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.”

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. “But you have made her so soft, Lord.”

“She is soft,” the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”

“Will she be able to think?” asked the angel.

The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.”

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. “Oops, it! Looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.”

“That's not a leak,” the Lord corrected, “that's a tear!”

“What's the tear for?” the angel asked.

The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.”

The angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.”

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning! They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

Pass this along to your women friends to remind them how amazing they are; because if there's one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget about themselves.

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DID YOU KNOW?

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.

ARSENIC

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”

The lady says “To kill my husband.”

“ I can’t sell you any for that purpose,” says the druggist.

The lady then reached into her purse and pulled out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position. The man was her husband, and the lady was the druggist’s wife!

She showed it to the druggist, who said, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a prescription!”

Happiness is:

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don’t need money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and, dance like no one’s watching.

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Husband Shopping Centre:

Recently a “Husband Shopping Centre” opened in Calgary, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

FIRST FLOOR:

The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.”

The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job, or not loving kids but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.

SECOND FLOOR:

The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.”

“ Interesting,” said the ladies, “but wonder what’s upstairs?”

THIRD FLOOR:

This sign read: “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow!” exclaimed the women, “very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!” And up they went.

FOURTH FLOOR:

This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me!!! But just think - what must be awaiting us further on?” So up to the fifth floor they went.

FIFTH FLOOR:

The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.”

HUMOUR

" A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked!" - Suzy Zoo

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy!

Things to NEVER say to a Cop!

" I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."
" You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

CHANGE?

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

“ Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me."
“ This one’s kind of strange . . .”

“ Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied.

“ Well,” she said, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet, and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.”

“ I see.”

“ That afternoon, I went again and there were nickels in the bowl.”

“ Uh-huh.”

“ That night,” she went on, “there were dimes, and this morning there were quarters! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me,” she implored, “I’m scared out of my wits!”

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“ There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about. You’re simply going through the change.”

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Quote: If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!

I am grateful to all those people who said “No.” It is because of them that I did it all myself.
- taken with permission from Everyday Wisdom by Wayne W. Dyer

Behavior is a much better barometer of what you are than words.
- taken with permission from Everyday Wisdom by Wayne W. Dyer

There must be bliss and harmony within in order for you to know miracles.
- taken with permission from Everyday Wisdom by Wayne W. Dyer

Oops!

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

" Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

" Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

“ Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The Pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

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Painful E-mail Confusion

A couple from Minneapolis decided to RV it to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.

It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day in the RV. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into a hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an email back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the email without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Joke of the Day:

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

" No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

" Will you use it to gamble?"

" I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

" Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

" Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

OXYMORON: 31 Jumbo shrimp

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

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"Proverbs" FROM THE INTERNET:

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

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COMMUNICATION PROBLEM?

A woman walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmicist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.

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INNER PEACE!

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, one bag of corn chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy.

I feel better already!

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One Liners:

• There can’t be a crisis today – my schedule is already full.

• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Women’s Dictionary

Patience: the most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

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How "hi-tech" are you?
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The other two men look at him questioning.
"That’s my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I’m getting a Fax," he explains.

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Recouping losses?
A gent moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I’m going to raffle him off."
"You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the gent and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn’t anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

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A Different Perspective
I am thankful for the husband who complains when his dinner is not on time, because it means he is home with me, not with someone else; for the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes, because it means she is at home, not on the streets; for the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.

To live by?

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

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Women’s Dictionary:

Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a church.

Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game.

Blonde Jokes: Jokes that are short so the other sex can understand them.

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Definition of Patience:

The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also tranquilizers.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true!

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

BUMPER STICKERS:

If at first you don’t succeed . . . Blame someone else and seek counselling.

I have the body of a God . . . Buddha.

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RV ANAGRAM Puzzle - by Jim Lister
Unscramble the following RV words:

1. EIENRARTTLT: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

2. MANPRODUCG: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

3. ROPCLIKAVARNIP: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

4. EOLFDTWEO: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

5. ILTWEHFFHE: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

6. ICHTH: _ _ _ _ _

7. OETHROMOM: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

8. CCSSAL: _ _ _ _ _

9. RRLRAIVTLATTE: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

10. IPEETLR: _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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He Said, She Said

- by Fred Moore

I thought: We’ll get everything ready, then bring the trailer home to our condo. I want to do a little work on it before we take off for a couple of days, but first I have an errand to run.

She thought: I'm all ready to go, we have everything we need. I’ve baked cookies to take along, and fried chicken for our first evening’s meal. I’m all packed. Let’s go!

I said, "Honey, would you like to go with me to take this ad to the newspaper office?"

She said, "Sure. Everything is ready to load into the van."

I thought we would look over our Camping Checklist when we brought the trailer home. Then I’d be certain I hadn’t forgotten anything.

I said, "It’s good to have you along, because it's always easier to get the trailer when you’re there to help hook it up."

She said, "You’re not planning to bring the trailer back to the condo, are you? Everything we need to put in the trailer is with us, and since we’re already clear across town, we should just hook up the trailer and go."

I said, "But I have some work to do on the trailer before we leave."

She said, "Is it really necessary? We’re getting a late start as it is."

I said, "Well, I guess it isn’t really necessary. Maybe you’re right, we should just go right on."

Famous last words. I forgot that I hadn't done our usual final rundown on our Camping Checklist, so, we ended up doing without a few essentials, including a flashlight and my toiletries kit. Oh well, maybe my teeth won’t rot out in just a couple of days, and she’ll just have to endure my facial bristles!

Moral of this story: Not a bad idea to communicate clearly with your partner

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Live well and count your blessings.

If Earth’s population was shrunk into a village of about 100 people with all the human ratios existing in the world still remaining what would this tiny, but very diverse village look like?

That’s what Phillip M. Harter, a medical doctor at the CA Stanford University, School of Medicine, attempted to figure out. This is what he found:

• 57 would be Asian
• 21 would be European
• 14 would be from the Western Hemisphere
• 8 would be African
• 52 would be female
• 48 would be male
• 70 would be nonwhite
• 30 would be white
• 70 would be non-Christian
• 30 would be Christian
• 89 would be heterosexual
• 11 would be homosexual
• 6 people would possess 59 percent of the entire world’s wealth, and all
• 6 would be from the United States.
• 70 would be unable to read
• 1 would have a college education
• 1 would own a computer
• 80 would live in substandard housing
• 50 would suffer from malnutrition
• 1 would be near death
• 1 would be pregnant

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The following is someone’s anonymous interpretation:

Think of it this way. If you live in a good home, have plenty to eat and can read, you are a member of a very select group.

And if you have a good house, food, can read and have a computer, you are among the most elite.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive the week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death... you are fortunate; more than three billion people in the world can’t.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% in this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married... you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you can read this message, you are double blessed because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all. And because someone was thinking of you.

Live well and count your blessings.

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Church Bulletin Bloopers:

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, there is a nursery downstairs.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

BUMPER STICKERS:

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit!

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

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