OXYMORON: 31 Jumbo shrimp
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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"Proverbs" FROM THE INTERNET:
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse,
soon find him in cat house.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
War does not determine who is right,
war determines who is left.
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COMMUNICATION PROBLEM?
A woman walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmicist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
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INNER PEACE!
I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.
Today I finished two bags of potato chips, one bag of corn chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy.
I feel better already!
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One Liners:
• There can’t be a crisis today – my schedule is already full.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Women’s Dictionary
Patience: the most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
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How "hi-tech" are you?
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The other two men look at him questioning.
"That’s my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I’m getting a Fax," he explains.
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Recouping losses?
A gent moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I’m going to raffle him off."
"You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the gent and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn’t anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
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Today
Outside my window, a new day I see,
And only I can determine what
kind of day it will be.
It can be busy and sunny,
laughing and gay,
Or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.
My own state of mind is
the determining key,
For I am the only person
I let myself be.
I can be thoughtful and
do all I can to help,
Or be selfish and think of just myself.
I can enjoy what I do and
make it seem fun,
Or gripe and complain and
make it hard on someone.
I can be patient with those who
I may not understand,
Or belittle and hurt them
as much as I can.
But I have faith in myself,
and believe what I say,
And I personally intend
to make the best
of each day.
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A Different Perspective
I am thankful for the husband who complains when his dinner is not on time, because it means he is home with me, not with someone else; for the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes, because it means she is at home, not on the streets; for the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.
To live by?
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Women’s Dictionary:
Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a church.
Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game.
Blonde Jokes: Jokes that are short so the other sex can understand them.
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Definition of Patience:
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also tranquilizers.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true!
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
BUMPER STICKERS:
If at first you don’t succeed . . . Blame someone else and seek counselling.
I have the body of a God . . . Buddha.
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RV ANAGRAM Puzzle - by Jim Lister
Unscramble the following RV words:
1. EIENRARTTLT: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
2. MANPRODUCG: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
3. ROPCLIKAVARNIP: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
4. EOLFDTWEO: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
5. ILTWEHFFHE: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
6. ICHTH: _ _ _ _ _
7. OETHROMOM: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
8. CCSSAL: _ _ _ _ _
9. RRLRAIVTLATTE: (two words) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
10. IPEETLR: _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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He Said, She Said
- by Fred Moore
I thought: We’ll get everything ready, then bring the trailer home to our condo. I want to do a little work on it before we take off for a couple of days, but first I have an errand to run.
She thought: I'm all ready to go, we have everything we need. I’ve baked cookies to take along, and fried chicken for our first evening’s meal. I’m all packed. Let’s go!
I said, "Honey, would you like to go with me to take this ad to the newspaper office?"
She said, "Sure. Everything is ready to load into the van."
I thought we would look over our Camping Checklist when we brought the trailer home. Then I’d be certain I hadn’t forgotten anything.
I said, "It’s good to have you along, because it's always easier to get the trailer when you’re there to help hook it up."
She said, "You’re not planning to bring the trailer back to the condo, are you? Everything we need to put in the trailer is with us, and since we’re already clear across town, we should just hook up the trailer and go."
I said, "But I have some work to do on the trailer before we leave."
She said, "Is it really necessary? We’re getting a late start as it is."
I said, "Well, I guess it isn’t really necessary. Maybe you’re right, we should just go right on."
Famous last words. I forgot that I hadn't done our usual final rundown on our Camping Checklist, so, we ended up doing without a few essentials, including a flashlight and my toiletries kit. Oh well, maybe my teeth won’t rot out in just a couple of days, and she’ll just have to endure my facial bristles!
Moral of this story: Not a bad idea to communicate clearly with your partner
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Live well and count your blessings.
If Earth’s population was shrunk into a village of about 100 people with all the human ratios existing in the world still remaining what would this tiny, but very diverse village look like?
That’s what Phillip M. Harter, a medical doctor at the CA Stanford University, School of Medicine, attempted to figure out. This is what he found:
- 57 would be Asian
- 21 would be European
- 14 would be from the Western Hemisphere
- 8 would be African
- 52 would be female
- 48 would be male
- 70 would be nonwhite
- 30 would be white
- 70 would be non-Christian
- 30 would be Christian
- 89 would be heterosexual
- 11 would be homosexual
- 6 people would possess 59 percent of the entire world’s wealth, and all
- 6 would be from the United States.
- 70 would be unable to read
- 1 would have a college education
- 1 would own a computer
- 80 would live in substandard housing
- 50 would suffer from malnutrition
- 1 would be near death
- 1 would be pregnant
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The following is someone’s anonymous interpretation:
Think of it this way. If you live in a good home, have plenty to eat and can read, you are a member of a very select group.
And if you have a good house, food, can read and have a computer, you are among the most elite.
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death... you are fortunate; more than three billion people in the world can’t.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% in this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.
If your parents are still alive and still married... you are very rare, even in the United States.
If you can read this message, you are double blessed because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all. And because someone was thinking of you.
Live well and count your blessings.
This one was too silly not to share!
Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she’s been married. The reply was "Four."
"Four times!" exclaimed the first woman. "Why so many?"
So the other woman said, "Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed."
"Oh my gosh, that’s terrible," the first woman said.
"Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed."
"Your second husband was killed too?!!? That’s horrible!"
"Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed."
"Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?"
"It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband and he’s a wonderful man. I think we’ll live a long happy life together."
"And what does your present husband do for a living?"
"He’s a mortician."
"A mortician? I don’t understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?"
"Well, if you think about it, it’s not too hard to understand. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"
